OK. I have to tell you about a two-part dream I had. Not altogether appropriate for all audiences, but when did that stop me?

The dream actually started the night before Julyne and Nick’s party, and finished the next night when Rachel sweetly tucked me in.

So, first dream:

I’m going in for my first session of radiation and the technician walks into the room with this HUGE loaf of bread and tells me, “You’ll have to go into that bathroom and insert this bread into your vagina.”

I look at the behemoth and say, “ARE YOU KIDDING? Why????”

“To protect your ‘cavity’ while getting pelted by the rays,” she matter-of-factly says.

“But that will NEVER fit up my vagina,” I tell her. “It’s larger than Baby Huey.”
“Well, figure it out,” she says. “Other patients manage.”

So I take the HUGE loaf of bread into the bathroom and think, No, wait, I have to hipstamatic this and text my friends that this is what I’m doing. They’ll crack up.

I take pictures of the beast, and somehow destroy the loaf of bread while photographing it.

When I take the chunks of torn bread back out to the technician and apologize for ruining the bread, she says, “OK, we have a replacement, but you’re making this harder on yourself.”

Then said technician comes out with this 3-foot by 2-foot by 1-foot multicolored dolphin-shaped loaf of bread and says, “Now you have to put this up your vagina!”

And I’m just thinking, Right. Now I have to shove a dolphin up my vagina. Of course. That makes perfect sense.

*** OK, now fast-forward to the next night in real life when Rachel is sweetly tucking me in … and the dream continues.***

I’m walking to my next radiation appointment and Rachel bumps into me at the hospital and says, “Deirdre, whoa. You’re having your period all over your dress. Here, I have an extra dress in my bag (which of course makes sense because she IS a burlesque performer). Go into that bathroom and clean up.”

I head into the stall and think, I’ll just take a quick tinkle before cleaning up.

I squat on the toilet, and what should come tumbling out of my vagina but … big multi-colored croutons!

End of second dream.

*** Now, fast-forward to my first honest-to-god radiation appointment where they’re fitting me for my treatment.***

So I’m telling my actual real-life technicians this totally highlarious and weird set of dreams. And they’re laughing. And as they’re making foamy molds to go into my ears and behind my ears to “fill the blank space” so the radiation doesn’t, I don’t know, blast me because there’s nothing there, it occurs to me, yes, they’re filling my voids.

Then I think to ask the real-life technicians, “Hey, do you have to fill vaginas when ladies are getting blasted down there to protect them?”

“Yes,” they say. “The vas deferens too for prostate radiation.”

HELLO! It wasn’t a dream. It was a premonition!!!!!

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