I LIKE TO SWALLOW

Ever had an MRI?

God they’re fun.

They stuff you in a narrow white tube like ground lamb in pig intestines. You are a high-tech human sausage.

You must lie perfectly still while the machine photographs whichever organ is giving you fits. It bangs and whistles and howls and rat-a-tat-tats like you’re in a construction zone at the world’s most crowded emergency room. They cover your eyes and plug your ears to try to mute the experience. And they place a panic button in your hand in case it’s all too much.

But last week, I had an epic MRI to see what was going down in my spine – or more specifically – had Mini-Me traveled to my spine. For two hours, I lay still as the mechanical beast clanged away at my cervical (neck), thoracic (upper back) and lumbar (lower back) spine. It was like being at an ‘80s industrial punk rave in Berlin, minus the lights, the dancing, the Dieters, and the fun.

But here was the standout experience. And I want you all to try this at home just so you can share a little bit of this journey with me! As they photographed my cervical spine, I couldn’t swallow. So, you, lie down on your back and DON’T SWALLOW for five minutes. Oh my god. Waterboarding Shmaterboarding. The minute you’re told not to swallow, all you want to do is swallow! I mean and how! That spittle just starts draining to the back of your throat and damn near drowns you. Try it.

But all this to say, has my parasitic evil twin traveled to my spine?

No.