SMOOTH MOVE

Since you asked, even though you didn’t, I’ll tell you the real poop.

Up until now, this whole adventure in Candyland has been a cake walk. I mean, not a “cake walk” necessarily, but I’ve found it completely new and fascinating and surreal, like, say, meandering on the moon.

Instead of emailing and writing and filming and eating and drinking and going to shows and traveling and shucking and jiving, I now try to walk a little, I go to acupuncture and Reiki and radiation, I eschew technology, I sit on the couch A LOT, I watch TV A LOT, and in general, I avoid social interaction just because I’m tired and super spaced out and I find it all a little overwhelming.

But recently, I’ve noticed something that could no longer go unnoticed … and that is I hadn’t so much as tooted in nine days. That’s right, my sacred Chaka Kahn had been silenced, shut down, and asked not to sing.

I went through my list of drugs. Zofran – an anti-nausea medication, had locked down everything so that nuthin’ would come out of me from any hole. Nuthin’!

Then I looked at some of my other drugs – and I was on stool softeners and laxatives.

Then I looked at my handouts (which I ceremoniously chuck in the recycle bin; clearly I need to stop doing that), and there was an entire printout on managing constipation with cancer (they very cleverly call it “gush, push and mush”).

Oh my god, they battened down the hatches, dove underwater, and made it so that nothing was going to get wet.

I was chronically VERSTOPFUNG.

So I felt it was time to do what any resourceful woman would do and give myself an enema.

Yeah. No. They’re horrible. After, oh well – I’ll spare you the details – but I cried primal screams of pain and agony as I gave birth to a mere handful of hard little rabbit pellets.

So today, as part of Operation Woo-Woo, I initiated Amnesty Free Fly. Free Fly is a bi-weekly visit to Ravenna’s Tummy Temple, where Bastyr grads burn holy incense and play zen music and serve you holistic healing teas while they shove a tube up your ass and flush water all up in there so you can let the smoothies and organic veggies fly.

I must’ve walked out of there ten pounds lighter and 100 leagues happier.

No shit.